Thankfully, Mav wasn’t left alone with his thoughts for long after he woke up. Worry and anxiety about Maren and the civilians flurrying, Mav nearly tore his comfy covers off, hopped out of his warm bed, and ran through the halls demanding answers.
Then Koda visited him and gave him all the details.
“Thank the Flames,” Mav whispered. “Everyone’s alright.”
“How are you?” Koda asked.
“Oh, I’m great! Did you see what I did?”
“I was at least thirty floors above you.”
“Oh, right? Well, did you feel it?”
Koda smirked. “I did.” He grew somber once more. “But I’m serious, Mav. No bullshit. No more lying. How are you feeling?”
“I’m great!”
“Then why’s your head itchy?”
Mav’s arm was at the back of his head, his loose hair threaded between his fingers.
“Dammit,” Mav whispered.
Koda stood at the foot of Mav’s bed, arms folded. “Talk.”
“About what? I don’t even know what I’m feeling.”
“I don’t need to see your tick to know that’s a bald-faced lie. If there’s anyone on this sunken country who knows what he’s feeling, it’s you.”
Mav gripped his covers.
“But if there’s anyone who stubbornly fights those emotions to put on a brave face, it’s also you,” Koda said.
Mav clenched his eyes shut. “I want to help people.”
“I know.”
“Why wouldn’t my government, who’s supposed to protect its people, let me do that? Why did we have to work so hard just to save innocent people?”
“You know why.”
Because the world wasn’t fair and while there were good people in power, there were plenty others who were only in it for their selfish gain.
Mav choked. A tear dropped onto the blanket. “If I’d gotten there sooner, then that Titan....”
Koda sighed. He walked to Mav’s side and gripped his shoulder. “Only pain and torment was keeping that poor thing alive. You gave it peace. Its last moment was one of bliss. You gave that to it, Mav. And the people responsible will suffer. I give you my word.”
“Thank you.”
“But if we had only followed orders, that couldn’t have happened. And we, as Peace Keepers, can’t make a habit out of disobeying orders. At some point, it wouldn’t be excusable. We would face the penalty.”
“But there’s nothing else I can do. I couldn’t even be a Gauntlet Challenger. No one will accept a Deserter.”
“One person will.”
Mav’s voice caught in his throat. “But... we just met her.”
“You’re right. A quirky young woman who just so happens to be trying to form Talam’s first traveling guild, right when we get discharged and have a whole week to think about our commitment and future.”
“My parents wouldn’t like it.”
“When have they ever not supported you?”
“I can’t just leave our Siblings.”
“We all know who you are, Mav. Most are surprised that you stayed for this long.”
“How can I always be around if I’m not... around?”
Koda took a long breath that morphed into a chuckle. “You and Thomas have been there for most of my life. At least with you going, I can imagine all the incredible things you’ll do.”
“But don’t you want to see me do them?”
“My imagination is enough.”
“Your imagination sucks! You always told the worst stories around the fire.”
“All my stories were real.”
“Exactly!”
Koda’s dark eyes sparkled, but he turned away and started toward the door. “You need rest. Maren will be at the closest park at ten in the morning. I’ll wake you up earlier to take you shopping for some supplies.”
“Then come with me.”
Mav knew it was a pointless request, but he had to try.
“You know I won’t leave,” Koda said. “I don’t have the same hiccups as you do about this organization. This is the best, the only, place for me.”
“It doesn’t have to be.”
Before leaving, Koda faced Mav. “You haven’t always just been around, Mav. You were always where you needed to be. Now, you need to be somewhere else. And that’s no longer by my side.”
Try as he might to deny it, Koda was right. Doubt had plagued Mav’s conscious since they were sent to burn down Initsu, that small village in Mesr. But he’d fought against it for so many reasons, all of them valid.
Until now.
“Can I at least use your comms to call my parents?” Mav asked. “Might as well hear from me how much of a disappointment I am.”